“You have really turned my life around. I have been using what I learned from you. I feel great emotionally and spiritually,” reported Alice, a beautiful blonde teacher in her thirties, on a follow up visit after hospitalization for depression with suicidal thoughts. Her story is a good example of wonderful transformation.

Alice was a hard working, intelligent, and caring person but she never felt she was good enough for her judgmental mother. Alice’s husband, Allen, was preoccupied for a few months with his new job and some problems caused by his ex-wife. He had paid Alice less attention during those months, and they had argued more. Alice had a difficult boss. She had been excessively self-critical from her childhood, and this tendency became worse with more stress. She used alcohol at times to relieve her stress, and her drinking had begun to get out of control. Hating herself for all of these faults and failures, she seriously considered suicide. At this point, she realized she needed intensive professional help, and she was hospitalized.

Alice’s face turned red and her eyes became moist as she recalled how hurt she was in her childhood because of her mother’s criticism and control and her father’s emotional distance. Her usually low self-esteem plummeted prior to her hospitalization as she judged herself worthless. The more she focused on her real and imagined faults, the worse her self-hate became. I tried first to help her replace her harmful judgment of herself with a judgment that would promote healing and fulfillment.

I told Alice that often I utilize a Biblical story very successfully to explain to people--no matter what their religious beliefs--the two kinds of judgments we use. She was eager for me to proceed. Alice had read the Bible, but she had forgotten much of the story of a woman who was caught in the act of adultery. So I told her the story as recounted in the Gospel of John 8:2-11.

A group of men brought the adulterous woman before Jesus to tempt Him into making a wrong judgment so that they could use that decision against Him. They reminded Him that, according to the Law of Moses, she should be stoned to death. Silent at first, Jesus stooped and wrote something on the ground. Then He stood up and said, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” Then He stooped again and wrote on the ground. The men left one by one

“convicted by their own conscience,” and Jesus told the woman that He did not condemn her but she should stop her sinful behavior.

With a reflective look, Alice said: “Please tell me what I can learn from it.”

I answered: “Just imagine the emotional intensity of those men who were dealing with three big issues: being with a woman freshly caught committing adultery, thinking of stoning her to death according to religious law, and testing a new spiritual teacher. Driven by such sexual, aggressive, and religious passions, what would they have done if Jesus were also highly emotional and had argued with them?”

“The guys would have gotten madder and acted violently,” Alice replied.

I concurred and went on: “Jesus prevented the escalation of tension by avoiding a heated argument. He calmed them by being calm and using a calming distraction (like a hypnotist using a swinging watch) by writing on the ground. Then Jesus challenged them with the spirit of the Golden Rule. If we are too emotional, it is hard for us to use our consciences.”

“Why did Jesus say, ‘he among you who has not sinned throw the first stone’ instead of ‘those of you who have not sinned throw stones’?”

I asked.

Alice reflected for a few minutes and answered: “Then they might have thrown stones. Often, in a group, people might focus on impressing others more than on reflecting deeply within their own hearts to decide what is right.”

Agreeing with Alice, I posed another question: “Why did Jesus say ‘he who has not sinned’ rather than ‘he who has not committed adultery’?”

Alice replied quickly: “Because some of them may not have committed adultery but have sinned in other ways.”

Again I agreed, adding: “We have to expand our imagination and utilize our empathy, compassion or love to apply the spirit of the Golden Rule. In judging what is good, conscience uses the Golden Rule of fairness and justice to others and the ethical principle of doing what is good--or useful and not harmful--for oneself in the long run. So conscience is driven by reason and love or compassion for oneself and others. If we want to utilize conscience properly we have to use calm reflection and reasoning, keeping our minds open to information from various sources instead of just one view we may have learned from our family or society. Jesus stimulated the men’s consciences but when they came to Jesus they were using their socially programmed judgment of right and wrong, what I call their superegos.”

Alice was tearful as she reflected briefly. Then she said calmly: “Now

I see my biggest problem. I have been judging myself by my superego which was mostly shaped by my mother. So I have been throwing stones at myself. I have also been too judgmental of Allen since we became intimate. In fact, the other day when I let him really have it, he told me I sounded just like my mother. It infuriated me because I didn’t want to admit the unpleasant truth.” Wiping her tears, she said: “So, you are telling me that I should use my conscience and judge with reason, compassion, and love. I will work on it.”

Alice worked on using the guidance of her conscience. She joked about how her overgrown superego was shrinking because she was not using it much, and how the term “shrink” used for psychiatrists truly applied to me in her case. Her superego would not give up easily; it tried numerous times to sneak up and attack her with destructive criticisms, but Alice gradually got stronger in recognizing and letting go of those harmful judgments from her “inner enemy” (“inner terrorist,” “inside dictator,” “my demon,” “the committee” are other terms some patients have used).

My next effort was to help her meet her overall needs consistent with her conscience. We explored her needs in terms of the list of human needs on pages 46-47, and many changes she could make to lead a fulfilling life.

As we explored these, Alice realized that she was driven by strong unfulfilled needs for esteem, power, and close harmonious relationships.

She felt these needs too strongly for several reasons: 1) These needs were not satisfied at all in her childhood. She was like a person who was too hungry at dinner time because she had missed breakfast and lunch. 2) Her harsh superego abused her and kept her self-esteem low even when she was doing her best.

3) She felt powerless with her superego and her mother. She tried extra hard to gain a sense of power from work. 4) She needed strong support from others to neutralize the attacks from her own inner enemy. Also, even useful criticisms from others were too painful for her because of her own excessive self-criticism. Conflicts with others made her insecurity and low self-esteem worse, causing her to be a “people pleaser” who avoided facing conflicts with others.

She had neglected her other needs including meaning and pleasure. She gradually realized that these imbalances in her attempts to meet her needs resulted in the lack of fulfillment in her life. Often she had feelings of guilt, shame, insecurity, frustration, emptiness, and anger. With therapy Alice learned the connection between these feelings and her needs, and how she could use her conscience to guide her in dealing with these needs. She learned to tune down excessive feelings using her understanding of them, utilizing relaxation techniques, and focusing on useful action instead of harmful feelings. She began to meet her needs for meaning and pleasure as well as other needs. She quit drinking and used healthy relaxation techniques.

As she developed a deeper understanding of herself she recognized the needs behind the actions of others too. So she dealt with them effectively and faced conflicts realistically. She met her various needs in a balanced pattern. Her self-hate was replaced by healthy love of self, which made her relationship to others more loving too. Through her struggles to transform, she gained a great deal of wisdom. These changes made her life fulfilling.

 

A GREAT CLASSICAL STORY OF TRANSFORMATION

French novelist Victor Hugo, who was so popular that two million people reportedly turned out for his funeral in 1885, provides a marvelous story of transformation of the criminal Jean Valjean, in the classic Les Miserables. Although I have found many people who knew the story, they had not fully grasped many of the profound insights in this novel. Interestingly, Jean’s change from a convict to a good man was based on a real-life incident between a criminal and a bishop. Jean, who lost his parents in childhood, was reared by his sister. After his sister’s husband died, Jean worked to support the family. One winter he had no work, and the family had no bread. Jean stole a loaf of bread for which he was sentenced to five years in prison, but he spent nineteen years there because he made five futile attempts to escape.

Jean knew that he did wrong in stealing the bread and that he could have probably gotten it by asking the shopkeeper. But by the time he came out of prison, he hated society and had become a dangerous man who never smiled and rarely spoke. No one would give him a meal even though he was willing to pay for it.

At someone’s suggestion, Jean knocked at the door of a bishop. The elderly bishop was a man of conscience, a good and compassionate person who lived a simple and happy life. The bishop treated Jean with respect, shared his supper with him, and offered him a place to sleep. Jean had noticed the bishop’s silver plates and silver candlesticks. That night Jean stole the silver plates and left. The police caught him and brought him to the bishop who pretended that he had given Jean the plates and even gave him the candlesticks. So the police freed him. The bishop urged Jean to use the silver to become an honest man, adding: “Jean Valjean, my brother, you belong no longer to evil but to good.”5

Jean had known only hard work, poverty, and the harshness of prison life. The bishop’s compassion, goodness, and appeal to Jean’s conscience stimulated his conscience but it did not change him immediately. As he walked around, he stole a coin accidentally dropped by a poor boy who ran away crying. Soon a change came over Jean, and he tried in vain to find the boy and return the coin. Then, with a conscience burdened with guilt, he cried for the first time in nineteen years. Such guilt about one’s wrongdoing is a powerful force for transformation.

Jean’s conscience had been stimulated to change, but his personality resisted that change. He used pride--“the fortress of evil in man”6—in his resistance. But the strong impact of the Bishop made Jean, using his conscience, review the evils of his past. His conscience finally won. Afterward Jean remained a man of compassion, love, and wisdom through many trials and triumphs of his life.

Hugo says of the bishop’s conscience: “The souls of the upright in sleep contemplate a mysterious heaven... this heaven was within him; it was his conscience.”7 Had the bishop simply allowed himself to be robbed, it could have reinforced Jean’s criminality. As Behavioral Psychology teaches, rewards increase and punishments decrease a behavior, but conscience works beyond this level. For instance, a person guided by conscience would take punishment and do what he/she judges as the good or right choice. Jean’s slumbering conscience was awakened by the impact of the bishop’s penetrating words coupled with his acts of compassion and love. Words alone would have fallen on deaf ears. Human beings have the potential to function at the behavioral level as well as at the level of conscience. Many people are fixated at the behavioral level of understanding and fail to recognize the benefits of stimulating conscience (may be by not hitting back).

Subsequently, Jean encountered many opportunities to use his compassion and love, especially in bringing up a beautiful little girl, Cosette, whose mother had died of illness in spite of Jean’s attempts to help her. Hugo also depicts a merciless and authoritarian police officer named Javert, who was clearly driven by a harsh superego. Javert’s superego was shaped by having been born in prison and growing up with an exaggerated respect for authority, hatred of his own gypsy race, and disgust for those who ever broke a law. He knew that Jean had stolen from the Bishop and the poor boy. Javert pursued Jean and again put him in prison, but Jean escaped. Jean continued to take care

of Cosette and do many other good deeds.

Later, Jean saved Javert’s life from a group of rebels. The next time they crossed paths, Javert did not incarcerate Jean. The kindness of the convict Jean astonished Javert and he was petrified by his own kind response. Javert judged his action by his harsh superego and found it an appalling infraction. It created unbearable inner turmoil and he committed suicide. Had he used his conscience, he would have felt inner peace and he could have made a far better choice than suicide. One of his choices would have been to reveal to his authorities what he had done and take the consequence, as people do in civil disobedience.

Among the hundreds of suicide attempts I have dealt with, a great percentage have been prompted by the individuals’ superegos, but none from their consciences. Human resistance to change, the power of conscience to transform, and the damages caused by distorted superegos are common experiences in my work.

 

A CLINICAL CASE OF AWAKENING OF CONSCIENCE

I used the technique of stimulating conscience with Doug. He had quit school and was abusing alcohol and drugs and manipulating his parents to get money. Although Doug had treatments at some nationally famous psychiatric facilities previously, he had shown no lasting progress. He had rejected his parents’ religious beliefs because they did not fit his intellectual outlook. Doug had an air of superiority based on his intelligence, but his self-esteem was low because he lacked achievements.

I developed a rapport with Doug, but he was irregular in attending therapy, and prone to lying and manipulating. He shared some of his secrets with me, but he did not make significant progress until he had a crisis from a broken relationship. He was hospitalized with depression.

Doug was now willing to cooperate, but based on his past I knew that he would revert to his old ways unless I could make a strong impact while he was hospitalized. I asked him to make a list of all the very harmful and unfair things he had done and how badly these things had hurt himself and others. My purpose was to stimulate Doug’s conscience, which he had neglected for years, so he would experience as much realistic guilt as possible. Then I would help him repair the damage he had caused as well as avoid repeating the destructive behaviors.

Doug spent a sleepless and tearful night writing down his list. The next day we reviewed what he had written and discussed how he deserved to feel guilt for the wrongs he had done. I explained to him the function of conscience and how he could use his guilt to transform his life. For the next several days, we went over his wrongs, his repentance and how he could repair many of the damages he had caused and prevent repeating the wrongs in the future. Doug said he had never felt so remorseful.

He expressed his remorse to his parents and asked for their forgiveness, which set the stage for a healthy relationship with them. He cut off his drug connections and started benefiting from Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Doug had not benefited from self-help groups previously because of his sick pride--he used to merely argue against the therapeutic steps or against the group. While he was feeling guilty and his arrogance was low, I pointed out how he was using his intelligence to evade rather than utilize his conscience, and he worked to change that pattern.

We also discussed how he could meet his various needs in healthy ways. After leaving the hospital he started working, stayed drug free, related well to his family, and had a healthy spirituality guided by his conscience.

Living by our consciences involves controlling our impulses and temptations as the next example illustrates.

 

CONTROLLING THE PIG--PROBLEM

OF IRRATIONAL GRATIFICATION

As I was shopping one day, I heard a voice saying: “Hi doc!” It was Linda, a former patient, beaming with a big smile. She used to have problems with depression, overeating, drug addiction, and conflicts in her relationships because of her temper. Her loose superego accepted her impulsive choices and she hardly used her conscience in those years. So she had no guilt, but she had a lot of frustration and anger when things did not go her way. She used to make choices often by her intense desire for immediate gratification. She had a severe problem of irrational gratification (PIG).

Linda said: “You will be proud of me. I have kept my PIG in good control. Remember you used to tell me that if I let my PIG be in the driver’s seat, it would drive me up the wall and down into the ditch. After being off the wall and in the ditch many times, tamed the pig before it turned into a wild boar or pieces of bacon. I use my conscience, exercise, meditate, pray, and eat right. When I think of doing harmful things, my conscience rings the alarm and I back off and feel good about controlling the pig. I have held a good job for a couple of years. I control my temper and get along well with my boyfriend and my father. You know how he used to fuss, and I used to get mad. Thanks to you I am happy. I meet my needs in tune with my conscience as you told me.”

I was delighted to hear such a progress report. “Keep up the wonderful changes,” I said as we parted.

 

THERAPEUTIC DOSE OF GUILT/SHAME

The above cases teach us a vital lesson. Like taking the right dose of medicine, we benefit greatly from enough guilt or shame to prevent or correct wrongdoing. An overdose or an inadequate dose of these feelings can harm us. Conscience, when properly used, stimulates a therapeutic dose of guilt or shame, motivating us to regenerate from degenerated states. A harsh superego tends to cause excessive guilt or shame and a loose superego tends to cause very little or no guilt or shame.

 

THE REGENERATIVE POWER OF CONSCIENCE

The power of conscience can regenerate both individuals and communities. Mahatma Gandhi, who was chosen by Time magazine as one of the two runners-up for “Person of the Century,” changed the course of history by using his own conscience and helping his followers as well as his foes to transform by stimulating their consciences. By nonviolent mass movement Gandhi was able to change the attitude of the British colonialists and eventually gain freedom for India. Gandhi also significantly reformed the age-old caste system of Hindu society, which was very unfair to the “untouchables,” the lowest group in that system. Gandhi’s nonviolent approaches were adopted by Martin Luther King, Jr. in the civil rights movement. These movements used the power of conscience against unfair systems often supported by people with unreasonable superegos.

Gandhi himself was influenced by Leo Tolstoy’s insights on conscience. In The Kingdom of God Is Within You, one of the few books that most influenced Gandhi, Tolstoy notes the role of conscience: “our life... can have no significance except in the constant accomplishment of what is demanded by the Power which has placed us in life with a sole certain guide--the rational conscience.”8

In Tolstoy’s short story The Chinese Pilot, many people belonging to different religions and nations argue about God and the proper way to worship him. Finally, the best informed person in the group, the Chinese Pilot, posed several questions, including “Where is there any book of law so clear as that written in his heart? What sacrifices equal the self-denials which loving men and women make for one another? And what altar can be compared with the heart of a good man, on which God himself accepts the sacrifice?”9 These are worthy questions to ponder regarding conscience.

Tolstoy divided people into freethinkers and others. “Freethinkers are those who are willing to use their minds without prejudice and without fearing to understand things that clash with their own customs, privileges or beliefs.”10 Such openness of mind is essential for using conscience quite well.

A touching scene in the movie Gandhi shows a poor Hindu, full of rage and fear, telling Gandhi that he is going to hell for killing a Muslim boy in revenge for Muslims killing his son. Gandhi empathizes with the man and tells him that he can avoid hell by bringing up an orphan Muslim boy in Islam. The man pays his respects to Gandhi and leaves in peace. By appealing to the man’s conscience, Gandhi motivated his reparation and regeneration.

 

TRANSFORMATION OF CHARACTER

AND JUDGING CHARACTER

Character or second nature is a person’s pattern of thinking and behaving. All the above examples of change involved transformation of character from unhealthy to healthy ones. Such transformations are far more difficult to produce and maintain than temporary changes in behavior under external pressure or for short-term gain. This is one reason for skepticism about someone who claims to have changed.

As conscience evaluates our choices and actions, it notices our pattern of behavior and approves or disapproves of our character. Thus, people living by conscience will have good self-esteem if they also judge themselves fairly. I have had many patients who lived by their consciences but judged their worthiness unfairly by their harsh superegos and therefore had poor self-esteem. As I taught them to judge their character also by their consciences, they began to feel good about themselves. I recall the joyful excitement of a patient as I taught her this--her face lit up as she exclaimed: “Oh! A light just went on in my head!” She was a good person who looked down on herself for not being too successful by the standards of society. That insight was a turning point in her life.

 

TRANSFORMING RELATIONSHIPS

Ted and Tipper were both depressed, and their marriage was in serious trouble when they started seeing me. Both were caught up in their own needs in self-defeating ways rather than understanding and helping each other to fulfill their needs. Ted grew up in an insecure home with a verbally abusive father who unreasonably doubted the faithfulness of his wife. The father did not work regularly, causing the family financial hardship. Consequently, financial security, relationship issues, and the need to vent his negative feelings became significant for Ted. Therefore, he overworked without much time for fun, dominated his wife, and, like his father, nagged her about her fidelity.

Tipper had strict parents who were financially poor, not very affectionate, and excessively controlling and judgmental. So she liked the financial security and relationship commitment Ted provided, but disliked his control and criticism. He did not meet her strong need for affection and sense of attractiveness. Although their biological sex drives were similar, they had intense sexual conflicts. Ted needed excessive assurance of Tipper’s fidelity and often expressed his doubts to receive reassurance. Such behavior, along with his not meeting her needs for affection and sense of attractiveness turned her off . He didn’t believe in complimenting her about her attractiveness for fear of giving her a “big head”. Ted became more suspicious as he noticed Tipper’s dampened interest in sex, thinking she might be having an affair.

In dealing with them I told the story of a rabbi who visited hell and heaven. In both places the people had beautiful dining rooms with plenty of wonderful food, but they had to eat without bending their elbows. In hell the people were starving and miserable, and the dining rooms were filthy with food which spilt over as they tried to eat without bending their elbows. In heaven, however, people were well-fed and happy and the dining rooms were clean because they were feeding each other without bending their elbows. In hell the people not only did not care about others, but they also did not take a broad look at their situation, reevaluate their actions and learn from their failures. They remained “hell bent” on being rigidly consistent and proud of it, as such people are.

Using this story, I discussed how they could understand and help each other meet their needs and enjoy fulfilling lives. I explained to them the various human needs, and how individuals differ in what particular need is more important to them, and how people take different approaches to meet their needs. We also discussed how they could use their consciences to guide their choices in meeting their needs and feel good about doing so. Thus, they could enhance their self-esteem by making reasonable changes to accommodate the spouse’s needs, rather than consider themselves “losers” for giving up some old ways. With these changes, they related well and enjoyed fulfilling lives.

People are far more willing to accept and try to accommodate someone’s pattern of behavior if the pattern is seen as reasonable based on a genuine human need. Knowing human needs in general helps tremendously to understand the real needs behind our own and others’ wants, feelings, actions, and reactions. Such understanding is crucial in effectively using our consciences to make fulfilling choices and in helping others to do so. We also have to be cautious to prevent being misled by the pressure of certain needs or by wrong judgments from our superegos. Thus, a good perspective on one’s needs and being guided well by one’s conscience go hand in hand in leading a psychologically and spiritually fulfilling life.

There is much more to understanding and utilizing conscience and

superego which we will get into next.